#1
Was the recipient of: new iPod earbuds, fresh from California and free of charge, to replace three-week-old suddenly defective pair purchased with Apple-branded musical tie-clip.
(a)
Apple wanted to get the defective pair in exchange, and they included instructions on how to use the EZ Return Label by tearing along the indicated perforated egde. For enhanced convenience, the EZ Return Label had been plastered into oblivion by a larger sticker slapped over the envelope by the courier.
(b)
Via telephone I had the great pleasure of explaining #1(a) to several different people. They all wanted to know my tie-clip's serial number, which annoyed me because it's written very small on a metallic surface and therefore difficult to read in the murky lighting of the art department. Eventually somebody was authorized to disclose to me the information to be filled in by hand to compensate for the EZ Return Label's legibility gap.
(c)
I left to details of execution to our receptionist, who has a bad back but he is very friendly and helpful.
#2
Was the recipient of: a letter from our town's bylaw borgs giving me a deadline to address all sorts of nuissance complaints from our evil Dutch neighbours, and the deadline is in the past. We inform you today that you must comply by yesterday.
(a)
I called the town. I spoke to a nice lady who put me on hold before connecting me to the bylaw unit who sent the letter, explaining that the date was most likely a typographical error where December had been swapped for November. I said, "Thank you very much."
(b)
I spoke to the issuing bylaw officer. He was defensive but reasonably polite. He did not want to issue any corrections in writing, despite my insistence on the point. Talking to him was like riding a slow merry-go-round. He eventually offered to pass me along to his supervisor. I said, "Very well, if you must."
(c)
I spoke to the blackhearted dickweed supervising bylaw officer. His introductory tone was belligerent. Off the cuff I suggested that I might be lying abound when I received the letter. I said, "That's a hell of an opening attitude, isn't it?" and then he chastized me for using profane language. Then he asked me questions but interrupted any answer I might try to give after the first or second word. When I tried to point this out he just repeated the word "sir" end to end until I stopped speaking. Like his colleague, he was also reluctant to issue a corrected version of the order in writing but did eventually concede. Near the conclusion of our conversation I was unfortunately unable to restrain the urge to characterize him as an "asshole."
#3
Was the recipient of: eleventh hour changes to dozens of multimedia elements for a show which loads on the trucks tomorrow.
(a)
Because I was on the telephone talking to bureaucrats and dickweeds I made a bunch of the changes incorrectly, and then had to restore from yesterday's files and make the changes again.
#4
Was not the recipient of: new software or new hardware, despite jumping through all the designated hoops and completing the various ritualistic levels of hookum: budgeting, feature comparisons, timelines for future investment, and meetings meetings meetings.
(a)
One begins to wonder why one was hired to make decisions when the execution of said decisions is always thwarted by nincompoopery from on high.
(b)
One begins to wonder how one's department will function this week with two out of four computers down for the count and unreplaced or unrepaired. In a fit of MacGyverism one sifts through a bin of discarded hardware to find the parts to cobble together a makeshift workstation for Unit A so that work can continue, but opts to keep this a secret lest this kind of jury-rigging be seen as an excuse to further postpone badly needed upgrades.
(c)
One can only fight to not burst into derisive and half-mad laughter when asked for products that can only be rendered with hardware widely-reported to be on the fritz or software well-known to be absent from our inventory of tools. For example, how many times this week will we be asked for high resolution scans of client-supplied materials before somebody puts two and two together to recognize that scanning is not possible without a scanner? Answer: three and counting.
#5
Was forced to: stand over Old Oak in the cold outside while he tediously explained the jiggery-pokery of filling a crack in the schoolhouse foundation with cement in a painfully roundabout way.
(a)
This conference came about because Old Oak was feeling miserable and unloved because nobody cares that he's fixing the crack, and we're all a bunch of ingrates who take for granted all of the wonderful things he does.
(b)
After spending the morning on the telephone dealing with bylaw officers to clean up after Old Oak's various and expensive messes, can you imagine how receptive I was to such an attitude?
#6
Now I'm in a bad mood.
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