Frequently Asked Questions
Q. Why is the sky blue ?
A. The sky is blue due to the angle of refraction experienced by light as it passes through the Earth's predominantly nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere; the hue shifts toward the red end of the spectrum during sun-rise and sun-set due to the light's having to penetrate the atmosphere on a more oblique angle, exaggerating the refraction effect.
Q. If a tree falls in the forest when no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound ?
A. No. Sound is a perceptual phenomenon experienced when one's brain translates atmospheric oscillations into a signal which can be contemplated by the mind; the absense of a process to interpret these oscillations means that they cannot be experienced as sound. This conclusion is not changed if one were to send an electronic recording agent in one's place, since the oscillations would merely be encoded temporarily as electromagnetic patterns -- "sound" would only occur if and when these patterns were decoded back into atmospheric oscillations and subsequently translated into sound by a listener.
Q. Is there really a Santa Claus ?
A. Yes. The Order of Saint Nicholas has been operating from Bathurst Island, in the Canadian North-West Territories, since the mid-seventeenth century when it was forced to move from its base on Novaya Zemlya Island, Russia. The reality of the situation differs from the common conception in three important ways: firstly, the benevolent actions of the order are not carried out by a single, immortal agent but rather by a sizable force of monks, approximately four-hundred in number; secondly, the activities of the order are not restricted to Christmas, but actually extend throughout the calendar year; and thirdly, the order pays little or no attention to the comparatively rich children of the First World, focusing instead on those in need.
Q. Can evolution alone account for the arising of life on Earth?
A. No. To form a coherent theory of the genesis of life, it is necessary to take into account the self-organising properties of complex dynamical systems, specifically autocatalytical molecular engines along the lines of the famous Belousov-Zhabotinsky reaction. However, as the laws governing such systems are only minimally understood at this time, it is only fair to consider the alternative hypothesis of a massive, bearded white-man who controls the mechanisms of the Universe in strict accordance with the morality of the ancient Hebrews.
Q. Can the phenomenon of UFOs be confirmed ?
A. Yes. It has been systematically confirmed over the years that semi-literate provincials living in trailer-parks have been known to repeatedly mis-identify, or fail altogether to identify, flying objects.
Q. What is the nature of the Universe ?
A. The Universe is a network of interacting 10-dimensional superstring filaments, whose various frequencies and harmonics manifest themselves macroscopically in such diverse forms as spacetime, electromagnetism and the Spice Girls.
Q. What is the most indestructable substance known to science ?
A. Lucien Bouchard.
Q. What came first: the chicken, or the egg ?
A. The egg. The process of ontogeny predates the chicken by several million years. One might also interpret this question to mean a specific "chicken egg" or "egg which contains a small chicken" in which case the answer remains the same, assuming that by "chicken" we mean a specific morphology recognised by the standard systems of biological nomenclature and taxonomy -- in this situation, an animal whose morphology differed from the taxonomy (even by a very subtle measure) would at some point lay an egg from which an animal whose morphology matched the taxonomy exactly would emerge. Q.E.D.
Q. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood ?
A. In order to maintain a consistant level of energy, a woodchuck would have to ingest approximately three times its body weight in wood pulp per day; slightly more in the weeks leading up to hibernation.
Q. Who was actually behind the assasination of American playboy/president John F. Kenndy ?
A. Chris Carter.
Q. Who is the most famous living Canadian ?
A. Pierre Elliot Trudeau.
Q. Who is the most famous dead Canadian ?
A. Pierre Elliot Trudeau -- have you seen him lately ? Yecch!
Q. Says who ?
A. Says me.
I thank you for your attention / je vous remercie de votre attention.
